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Questions & Evans

Workplace expert and best-selling author of She Wins, You Win and Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman, Gail Evans answers women's questions from the office.

By Gail Evans

Q: How do I handle inappropriate advances at the office?
E: This question has a thousand answers depending upon the specifics. First it is important to understand that what is inappropriate is different for everyone. Speak informally to someone you trust who knows both of you and get his or her opinion on what to do.

Q: How have you handled this?
E: A young woman who had just gotten married told me she was uncomfortable because a colleague touched her frequently (though not sexually) when they were together. I suggested she explain to him that she felt this way. She found a good moment to talk with the guy and he got it. They continued to work together happily for years.

Q: What about cases with co-workers that involve blatant harassment?
E: The woman has to speak a loud and strong "No," no matter who the person is or how powerful they are. And after the no, you need to say, "If this ever happens again, I am going to report you to the appropriate authority."

Q: How do you report something like this?
E: If none of the above remedies work, you need to report the matter to someone who can fully understand your complaint – be it your direct boss, someone in human resources or someone else in the power structure who has knowledge of the other person's behavior. Outline the facts in a businesslike manner.

Q: How should women handle requests for meetings in hotel rooms during business travel?
E: Move the meeting to the bar, lobby, restaurant or someplace else. It may make the guys unhappy and inconvenienced, but it's safer for all concerned than meeting in a hotel room.

 

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Q: My boss told one of my friends that I anguish too much. I was shocked since I care deeply about my work and don't ever want it to be anything but the best. What should I do about this?
E: A smart boss once told me, "No one likes to play with an anguisher." In our efforts as women to do the very best job, we often spend a great deal of time worrying about what went wrong or might go wrong. In our constant worry about getting it right, we often are in the position of second-guessing the team leader, when the boss merely wants to move forward. So anguish if you must, to yourself, but keep your team face on when you are dealing with others.

Q: I've just become a vice president at a large corporation. I am thrilled with the promotion but have trouble saying my title to others. Saying I'm a VP when I meet someone seems like boasting. What's your advice?
E: Interestingly this is a huge issue for women. We work very hard to achieve power, but when we get it we do everything we can to push its trappings away. I meet women all the time who use those nice euphemisms like "I head up," "I support" or "I work at" instead of clearly stating who they are and what they do. We minimize our success, then are furious when we are treated as though we are a subordinate rather than a power player. So learn a one-line sentence that tells who you are and what you do. Practice and get comfortable with it.


Q: I am a senior executive in my firm and I am concerned about the impression many of the younger women make with their casual appearance. What can I say to them?
E: You would be amazed how often I hear that story. Office dress and presentation seem to be a huge generational issue. Both sides must compromise. When you and others in senior management meet with the women, you can suggest the following: Ask them to keep an appropriate pair of shoes and panty hose in the office. When they are meeting with clients they can change.

I also suggest they keep a solid-color jacket in the office; when they are in major meetings or with clients, they put it on. This allows the young women to maintain their individuality but also allows the company to count on professional representation with clients in a way leaders feel is appropriate.

Q: I'm a senior vice president at a large public company and want to give money to charity. Is this the time to set up a charitable foundation?

E: I don't know your circumstances, but I doubt that you are ready for the expense of setting up a foundation. What I would suggest is that you look into a donor-advised fund. Many of the larger nonprofits in your community have donor-advised funds. You can begin one with a much smaller amount of money and then add to it yearly. You can contribute to the fund during your highest-earning years and take the charitable deduction, then contribute the money to specific nonprofits for the rest of your life or as long as your money lasts.

Q: One of my friends told me she always does her own expense account, even though she has an assistant. Another co-worker told me she doesn't put in the little stuff. What advice do you have?

E: First of all, if you are honest, why not have your assistant do your expenses? If you stay in good hotels or buy expensive meals for clients and the company approves, stop worrying about what your assistant will think. This is the price of doing business.

As far as not putting down the little stuff, I think you are making a mistake. The tip here and there, the magazines at the airport, the coffee on the run all add up in the course of a year or lifetime. I don't think in the long run there are any points to be gotten for not putting in all expenses.

 

Q: What is the biggest problem that women have with money?
E: I think our biggest problem is that we don't talk about it. We don't discuss our compensation or perks with each other because it still is unladylike for a woman to talk about her money. The problem is that if we don't talk about it, we can't learn much more than what we know. Even those women who are in the financial services world only seem to talk about money in the abstract. If we don't begin sharing our knowledge and experience with each other, we will remain stuck in the same old place.

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Q: [During a raise request/negotiation] how much talking vs. listening should I do?
E: Let them talk. Don't ever make the first move. Women are uncomfortable with silence, so we fill the space with chit-chat. Be prepared to discuss your work or your weekend, but let the boss take the first steps in the negotiation. Once it begins, have a list of items in your mind to discuss so if you get a "no" on something, you can step back in quickly. If you feel things are not going well, ask to continue at a later time. And unless you get something absolutely fabulous, say thanks when it's over and say you will give a final reply in the morning. You can be positive and still say you want some time for quiet thought. Also, be yourself. Don't turn into a tiger if you are normally a puppy. Convince yourself that you are powerful enough to get what you want on your own merits. Think of what you would tell someone you were mentoring about how to conduct this negotiation.

Q: Is timing important?
E: Yes. Do not go into a negotiation on a day when your company's stock has just taken a major hit or in a week when it has just been announced that your boss didn't meet budget. Find a way to put off the meeting even if it has already been scheduled. Always remember negotiations are about strategy, and everything counts. You might even check with the assistant to find out how the weather in the office is that day. Don't get taken off guard.

Q: What perks should I ask for?
E: Ask other employees about perks they have heard of. Remember, things like additional vacation, car allowances, club memberships, new offices, additional support help, executive dining room access and corporate vacation retreats are all part of the negotiation. Make these perks part of your strategy — they have real economic value. And they are rarely offered up unless you ask.

Q: Why does it seem so hard to find this information?
E: It's sometimes easier for the men because most of their closest friendships are guys from the office, so they talk about everything. Women are much more apt to compartmentalize their lives, with their closest friends and allies being in their personal world and out of the office. This makes information-gathering harder, and frequently the advice we get from these friends is well intentioned but not well informed in a business context.

Special Note:
Remember, women while hiring, when you negotiate with other women, make sure you don't fall into the same trap of making your budget goals by hiring women and paying them less than the guys just because they are not as good at asking.

 
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Q: I go to networking events but don't feel I'm getting any worthwhile business from it.  Do you have any advice?    
E: Relax and enjoy … networking isn't about business cards, it's about relationships.  Go to the events; meet one interesting person and then follow up on that relationship. Remember: Great networkers are the people who put other people together, not the ones who are there to find business for themselves. The people you put together weave a "net" for you that is tighter and more fruitful than any network built on going to events and handing out cards.

Q: I'm proud of my senior vice president title, but I'm not comfortable saying it to nonworking women in social situations for fear I'm bragging. Any suggestions?
E: If we're not sure the other woman works, we often downplay what we do so as to not offend her.  It's that old belief that we have two lives, one personal and the other business and we can keep them separate. It's time women understood what we do for a living is part of us and something we can talk about proudly. I suggest you devise one sentence that declares who you are in business. Then what you do will just be a part of you like your family and your cat.

Q: Everyone says I have to play golf in order to gain access to the power players. Is that true?
E: Play golf if you like it.  If you don't play golf, have small regular dinner parties or get seasons tickets to the theatre for four or six people and take people with whom you want to cultivate a business relationship. There are many ways to create informal networks in a way that keeps you comfortable and natural. You will be much more powerful and have a lot more fun – and so will the people around you.

Visit gailevans.net for more on Evans.